Phase 1: Liking
The other person possesses certain qualities that I like, such as appearance, demeanor, conversation, or knowledge, so I like him. It could also be because of certain things he does that I like him, such as being enthusiastic, helpful, able to create a lively atmosphere, and caring and considerate towards me. Being with someone I like makes me feel happy; being with him makes me feel happy, so I like him.
Liking is the foundation of love. Without liking, there is no love. However, liking is not the same as love. There is a long way to go between liking and love. Some people cannot distinguish between liking and love, mistaking liking for love; they like someone and have a good feeling about them, and think that they have fallen in love with them.
Phase Two: Attachment (longing, dependence, clinginess)
When you like someone, you want to be with them. When you're not together, you experience "separation anxiety," feeling uncomfortable and longing to continue being with them. This is "attachment." Liking someone to a certain degree will lead to attachment.
There are two types of attachment: one is longing, where you think of someone when you're not together and repeatedly recall the happiness you shared; the other is the urge to continue being with someone, constantly wanting to see them. The two differ in degree, with the latter being much stronger. When the urge to see someone reaches a certain level, you'll directly go to them, as if you can't live without them, becoming extremely clingy—this is called "dependence."
Phase Three: Possession (jealousy, control, transformation, demanding, being loved)
When attachment reaches a certain level, possessiveness arises. This is because if he spends more time with others, he spends less time with me. To satisfy my attachment and dependence, I don't allow him to spend time with others. If others take up my time, I become jealous. If he's distracted when he's with me, I get jealous.
In order to completely possess the other person, some people will take extreme measures to control them and hold them firmly in their grasp. Stalking, investigating, punishing, arguing, making demands, and restricting personal freedom are all relatively proactive and forceful measures, while flattering, bribing, using self-inflicted suffering, and blackmail are relatively passive and "soft" measures.
Another manifestation of this level is the desire to change the other person. Even though I generally like the other person, there will always be some aspects that I'm not entirely satisfied with. So, I bring these up, asking them to change, or helping them change, or even personally trying to mold them into my ideal image. This kind of transformation is essentially control and possession. Possession, control, and transformation all fall under the category of "demanding." Demanding is actively seeking to be loved.
Phase Four: Transaction (Compliance, Conformity)
"Soft control" has a transactional aspect, but it differs from a true transaction. A transaction refers to doing things to please the other person and make them willingly, rather than being forced, to be with me in order to gain their favor and achieve the goal of monopolizing them. For example, making myself more lovable, catering to them, pleasing them; obeying them, caring for them, helping them, and pleasing them to make them enjoy being with me more.
Transactions emphasize fairness; one should receive exactly what they put in. If one puts in a lot but doesn't get a corresponding return, they may turn to control.
Phase Five: Repaying Kindness (Gratitude, Emotional Investment)
There are two types of transactions that seem less blatant: gratitude and emotional investment.
Gratitude is a form of repayment. I have already received a benefit from someone, and now I repay them. The other person may not expect anything in return, but my repayment will certainly bring them happiness and make them more willing to be with me.
Furthermore, for me personally, I would feel uneasy if I didn't repay the favor; I would always feel indebted to them. Repaying them would fulfill my wish and give me psychological balance. Compared to a transaction, gratitude is less utilitarian.
Emotional investment, on the surface, may seem like selfless, but it's actually a long-term strategy to reap greater rewards. Many parents treat their children this way: loving them "selflessly," giving their all, and hoping only that they will have a good life. Then, when the child grows up, they'll slowly settle accounts with them.
Perhaps they truly didn't expect anything in return when they gave, which is already quite "selfless." Parents love their children fundamentally because the child is their child, a continuation of their lives, a part of their being. Loving their child is loving themselves, so naturally, no return is needed. Furthermore, parents' love for their children can also be seen as a way of reciprocating the child's loveliness.
Control is forcing the other person to love me, while trading is making the other person love me willingly; in trading, my contributions may not be voluntary, but the returns will definitely be voluntary.
Phase Six: Focus
From 1 to 5, the focus is on oneself; from 6 onwards, the focus shifts to the other person—this is a sign of love. 1 to 5 represent being loved, and 6 to 10 represent loving.
Liking someone is because they bring me happiness; attachment is because I want them to stay with me every day; possession is because I don't allow them to be with others; and transaction is because I have to do something to make them treat me better. All four levels are aimed at making them good to me and making me happy, so they are forms of being loved.
Being loved is about taking and receiving, which is a sign of "lack of sexual needs" because of a psychological deficit, a result of a lack of love.
True love is a "need for abundance," characterized by giving and finding joy in the process. Generally, the need for abundance arises only after a lack of sexual needs is adequately met. People who lack love do not know how to love others; they only take, not give, and are self-centered.
So, what is true love? First, to love someone, you must center your heart on them, deeply care for them, and closely observe their every move, just like a mother cares for her baby—"You are the only one in my eyes." Conversely, if you ignore the other person's existence, are indifferent to them, and know nothing about them, then that is not love.
Phase Seven: Empathy (Understanding, Contemplation, and Concern)
We should not only pay attention to the other person's every move, but also pay attention to and understand their inner feelings. Are they unhappy? Why are they unhappy? What are their troubles? What kind of help do they need? This is "empathy".
Without attention, there is no empathy. How can you know someone's inner feelings if you ignore them and don't observe their words and actions? Therefore, attention is the prerequisite for empathy.
However, having attention doesn't necessarily equate to empathy. Some people have excellent observation skills but fail to understand the feelings of others because they haven't entered the other person's inner world.
Humanism defines empathy as "understanding from another's perspective," while psychoanalysis defines it as "vicarious introspection." Both mean entering the other person's inner world, experiencing their experiences, feeling their feelings, or experiencing and feeling on their behalf in order to understand their inner thoughts.
In a sense, empathy is about understanding someone, but its purpose is to get to know them so that you can help them better, not to please them or make them love you more. In other words, both involve understanding someone, but empathy is for their benefit, while pleasing them is for your own benefit.
Concern is also a form of understanding and empathy; you really want to know how he is, whether he's happy, and if he needs help.
Phase Eight: Support (Assistance, Excellent Service, Enthusiasm)
With empathy, we can understand what the other person needs and how to help them. Only in this way can we provide them with the best service, ensuring our assistance is targeted, truly beneficial, and makes them happy.
Many people help others not from the perspective of the other person's needs, but by imposing their own preferences on them, because they lack empathy. Help without empathy is aimless, unreasonable, and causes immense suffering and unspeakable pain.
This type of person is very enthusiastic and likes to help others, but people don't appreciate it and avoid them. However, enthusiasm is closer to love than indifference. Regardless of the outcome, their kindness is commendable.
Everyone is willing to do things for their loved ones. If you do it to make the other person love you more, that's a transaction; if you do it simply to make the other person happy, without asking for anything in return, that's true love.
In other words, love is unpaid service, voluntary labor; satisfaction comes from giving, and no additional reward is needed. Help can be material or spiritual. Spiritual help is emotional support.
Phase Nine: Dedication (Respect, Trust, Inclusion, Acceptance, Self-Sacrifice, Love)
Generally speaking, making someone happy is relatively easy. However, it becomes difficult if their happiness is built on my suffering. If I make them happy, I will suffer; if I don't make them happy, then it's not love.
Therefore, Level 9 is a dilemma that can only be achieved by those who are willing to sacrifice themselves, have a spirit of dedication, and are somewhat self-destructive and tragic. Specifically, it is about respecting the other person, giving them personal space, and allowing them freedom.
Compared to attention, empathy, and support, giving is true love. Attention, empathy, and support do not harm one's own interests, while giving is self-sacrifice, being ready to sacrifice one's own interests at any time.
Another manifestation of this level is respect, trust, tolerance, and acceptance. It means believing that the other person is capable of handling their own affairs and that their decisions are correct; even if they are wrong, they are still their decisions, and I must respect them. Some of their views may differ from mine, but I can tolerate and accept them.
Respecting others is not an easy thing; if you don't do it right, the other person might leave or even try to take advantage of you.
Phase Ten: Harmony (Consistency, Sincerity, Naturalness, Compatibility)
If the other person doesn't run away and doesn't build their happiness on my pain, it means we are quite compatible and have good chemistry. We don't need to do anything special for each other; any action or word we say, whatever we feel at the moment, can make them happy.
No sacrifice, no self-sacrifice, no giving, no return is needed. The two of us have become one, you in me, I in you; you are me, I am you, indistinguishable. Your happiness is my happiness; where is the distinction between giving and receiving, between contribution and reward?
