Currently, aside from social factors such as law, morality, and responsibility, a major culprit behind extramarital affairs is "psychological saturation." After being married for several or even more than a decade, couples spend every day together, becoming intimately familiar with each other's every smile, frown, and word. As a result, the novelty wears off, especially in their sex life, which is far less intense and passionate than during their honeymoon. A subtle sense of boredom begins to emerge.
First, don't lose yourself in the walled city of marriage.
After marriage, many people unconsciously regard their partner as the most important person in their lives, especially women, who insist on being "as close as one person." Because they devote all their energy to their "other half," women "lose" themselves in marriage. Overly intimate partners can quickly lose the novelty between each other, leading to psychological saturation.
Dr. William Hankin, a renowned American sex psychologist, points out that maintaining one's individuality in a marital relationship is one of the secrets to a happy marriage. Many people not only "lose" themselves after marriage but also expect their partners to abandon their own identities, demanding that the two merge into a "third entity" created solely for the sake of marriage. This practice of sacrificing oneself for love is undesirable: First, it violates the original intention of love—two people fall in love because they are attracted to each other as "individuals." Losing oneself naturally leads to a loss of attraction and novelty towards one's partner. Second, losing oneself makes both parties feel oppressed and constrained, because true love is about acceptance and should give each other freedom.
Therefore, it is recommended that people in love spend 10 minutes each day alone, close their eyes, and recall the people, places, and events that have left a deep impression on them. It is like a signpost on a long journey, helping you to determine "who I am".
Regularly "away" from your partner and meet up only with close friends, especially with same-sex friends, to restore and replenish your gender role energy.
Keeping a diary to record your interests, hobbies, and daily thoughts is also a good way to maintain your individuality.
II. Skillfully Utilizing the "Psychological Distance Effect"
Biologists conducted an experiment: they placed a dozen hedgehogs in an open field outdoors. The hedgehogs were shivering from the cold and, to keep warm, had to huddle together tightly. However, after getting close, they quickly separated because they couldn't stand each other's long quills. But the weather was too cold, so they had to huddle together again… Too close, and they would prick each other; too far apart, and they would be freezing. This cycle of separating and gathering repeated itself until finally, the hedgehogs found a comfortable distance—a distance where they could keep warm without hurting each other.
The Hedgehog's Dilemma reveals the "psychological distance effect" in interpersonal relationships. This effect suggests that lovers should maintain a certain "psychological distance." In recent years, a popular slogan among urban families is: "Treat your partner like an outsider"—treat them with the same respect and understanding as an outsider; show them your wisdom and beauty as an outsider.
As a Japanese psychologist said, "Don't try to correct the other person's faults, don't take it to heart, but free yourself from them. In order to preserve yourself, you sometimes need to shut yourself off in a world of solitude. Sometimes, the people who can't feel at ease if they are constantly having emotional exchanges with others are the ones who really have a problem."
Of course, the sense of independence within a family should not be taken to extremes; a marriage where both partners are too independent will only cause destruction, not construction. There is also a technique between couples that is more often understood than explained: gently saying no. This involves gradually helping each other adapt to adult-style "delayed gratification" rather than childish "instant gratification." This tactic is particularly effective in preventing "psychological saturation" in sexual activity; you might as well try it and you'll discover its wonders.
Third, love needs to be kept fresh, and marriage needs to be maintained.
In real-life marriages, the parties involved must be clearly aware that gaining a partner does not necessarily mean the end of life's hardships! Both spouses should continuously enrich and improve their own quality of life, becoming a "good book" that their partner can always find something new and interesting to read, a book that they can "read a thousand times without getting tired of."
In courtship, couples rack their brains to please each other, always wanting their love to stay fresh like vegetables in a refrigerator. However, when lovers finally walk hand in hand into the hall of marriage, the passion and novelty of love gradually fade, and many gaps between reality and ideals become apparent. The mundane and ordinary life, as well as the shortcomings that were deliberately hidden during courtship, will all be exposed in the relationship after marriage. If they do not know how to adjust their "psychological saturation" in time and maintain their marriage, conflicts between husband and wife will arise, and each one will be more intense than the last. If these conflicts are not resolved in time, and big problems are reduced to small ones and small problems to small ones, the marriage is extremely prone to problems.
Psychological burnout is a destabilizing factor that can easily lead to burnout. When facing work, one may experience physical fatigue, low mood, lethargy, decreased creativity, and a diminished sense of self-worth. This negative state at work can further impact one's overall life. Physiologically, over time, it can easily lead to various physical illnesses affecting the cardiovascular, gastrointestinal, and respiratory systems.
Psychological saturation is ubiquitous in daily life, significantly impacting emotions, behavior, and social functioning. When managing our marriages, we should always be mindful of whether our psychological state has reached a saturation point. Once we reach this critical point, we should learn to release some of that saturation. Perhaps we can use the seemingly old-fashioned idea of "distance makes the heart grow fonder," a method that can keep a marriage fresh, rather than completely losing ourselves in the relationship. Only by keeping our minds in a state of "half-fullness" can we actively add flavor to our marriage, making it richer and more flavorful with each passing year!
