Is a woman's independence considered being difficult?

Those streets, growing ever wider and more crowded, conceal, within their unbridled openness, all of a woman's desires. The streets at night possess every feminine characteristic; as the streetlights illuminate the city, its soul shimmers like the flowing skirts of women. The city not only fulfills a woman's desires but also squeezes out every last drop of her latent longing.

—Zhang Kangkang, "The Spoiled Woman"

The word "作" (zuò) originated in Shanghainese and is usually used to describe women, implying restlessness, fussiness, and instability. Later, it was extended to describe a woman who is restless, overconfident, willful, and naturally loves to cause trouble. However, no one can definitively say what "作" means, not even those particularly "作" girls.

The word "作" (zuò, meaning "to act recklessly") became widely known because of Zhang Kangkang's novel "作女" (zuò nǚ, meaning "the woman who acts recklessly"), which was later adapted into the TV series "Zhuo Er's Story." The series tells the story of a group of women, represented by Zhuo Er and Tao Tao, who constantly act recklessly and self-destructively in their lives. Zhuo Er and Tao Tao are both highly educated and have high incomes; they are the closest of friends. As the story unfolds, their different values ​​and their respective choices in life gradually become apparent.

Zhuo'er's "eccentricity" lies in her dissatisfaction with traditional lifestyles and her greater emphasis on realizing personal value and spiritual enjoyment. Tired of marriage, she resolutely divorced her husband who was pursuing his doctorate in Canada. To go to Antarctica, she went to great lengths to quit her high-paying job, and so on. She never cares about others' opinions, is unconventional, and only pursues the life she wants; at the same time, she is also very lovely, genuine, and warm-hearted.

Tao Tao's "drama" differs from Zhuo Er's; her "drama" stems from a desire to find a good husband and live the life she wants. She escapes her hometown in Northeast China, working as a nanny, a waitress, and attending university, relying on men to achieve her goals. With her beauty and cunning, she wields considerable influence in society. When she finally desires stability, marriage, and children, she can quickly transform into a model of a virtuous wife and mother, yet she fails to win the heart of her beloved, making her seem pathetic, laughable, and pitiful all at once.

If both of these can be considered "being pretentious," then "being pretentious" implies self-inflicted trouble, deliberately seeking out something that others deem unnecessary. It means creating trouble for oneself, inviting problems, making oneself look foolish, and reaping what one sows… When people begin to incomprehensible, unimaginable, or unable to judge a woman's behavior, they use the word "being pretentious" to succinctly summarize the woman's entire life.

Tip:

In truth, everyone has a bit of "acting up" to some extent, just in different ways. You can be secretly acting up, or you can openly act up; you can act up with those close to you, or you can act up with the whole world; you can act up in a cute and charming way, or you can act up in a reckless and unreasonable way. The question is, do you know what you truly want, and what result do you want to achieve by acting up? Do you want to gain more attention and affection from the opposite sex to add more spice to your life, or do you insist on sticking to your own path?

Real-world case sharing:

My previous relationship was a tearful tale of "if you don't court disaster, you won't die." To understand the root of my "drama," I have to start with my family background.

It's hard for me to describe my family in a single word. If we call it traditional, my whole family dotes on me, especially my father. He has never shown the slightest regret for not having a son; instead, he has given me everything. If we call my family progressive, my mother taught me from a young age the importance of marrying a man for food and clothing, hoping that a boy could take over their precious daughter and continue to give me whatever I wanted.

In my intimate relationships, I completely perpetuated the childlike state I had in my family, taking all of my partner's demands for granted.

I crave my partner's attention, much like a baby needs their parents' attention. If he doesn't pay attention to me, the "drama" begins. I'll cry and throw a tantrum, equating his lack of time and energy for me with his lack of love and his desire to abandon me. If he can't meet my needs, I'll threaten to break up with him.

I was actually terrified that he would abandon me, afraid that he wouldn't love me anymore. I felt extremely insecure in the relationship, so I craved his attention even more, constantly and excessively expressing my needs, becoming increasingly demanding and dramatic. I had a relatively easy job, so I never considered whether he was busy or not, constantly demanding that he spend time and energy with me. But after a busy day, he couldn't get any peace or comfort from me.

Back then, I never thought about what kind of relationship I wanted. I just wanted everything that others had and thought was good. I was very demanding and would demand my boyfriend meet the standards of the male protagonist in romance dramas. I would constantly find fault with him, saying that he not only failed to meet the material requirements of being tall, handsome, and rich, but was also not gentle, considerate, or romantic enough.

For a long time after our breakup, I couldn't understand why he left me. Was it really because I was too "dramatic"? Plus, I found my job too boring and wanted to change jobs, but I kept running into obstacles. The companies I wanted to work for didn't want me.

This experience was completely new to me because I had never wanted anything and never had it.

Several major life crises seemed to have conspired to appear at the same time. When I was really at my wit's end, I chose to seek psychological counseling to understand myself and what had happened.

During group therapy, I clearly saw my childlike behavior patterns time and time again: willfulness and arrogance. For the first time, I realized how weak and helpless I was without my parents' support. After repeated practice, I finally began to face my negative emotions. I was afraid of being hurt and terrified of my loved ones leaving.

During this time, I found a job I liked and that offered growth opportunities. Every day, I was surrounded by a group of young people with ideals and goals, doing meaningful things together. Suddenly one day, I realized I hadn't thought about him in a long time. I asked myself, now that I can support myself and live a happy and meaningful life, do I still need a boyfriend? What is the purpose of having a boyfriend? What is the purpose of marriage? The answer is only love. But do I love him? No, I don't love him. I only see him as a caregiver after my parents.

One day, I will meet someone as independent as me. We will come together because of shared values ​​and goals, nourish each other, and grow together.

Thinking about this, I finally deleted all his contact information and called my parents to tell them we broke up. My mother's first reaction was, "You're being dramatic again, aren't you?" I told my mother that I was serious. I can take care of myself now, and I will take care of you both in the future. I don't need a man to take care of me, and I certainly won't marry someone just to take care of me. Besides, I will pursue things you consider unrealistic, like freedom and ideals. If that counts, then I'll continue being dramatic.

Rainy Day Sunny Day Self-Confidence Viewpoint:

Many of our clients are like Tao Tao from Zhang Kangkang's novel—beautiful, intelligent, and with a personality even more assertive than many men, yet trapped by societal standards. They want to be themselves, but they can't, because before they were born, society had already imposed a series of standards and boundaries upon them. Unwilling to live like this, they come to the counseling room to understand themselves, adjust themselves, and rediscover their place in society.