There are many reasons for infidelity, such as revenge, boredom, the thrill of new sexual experiences, and sex addiction. However, experts believe that most of the time, the motivations for infidelity differ between men and women. Men are more likely to seek sex or attention, while women may do so to fill an emotional void.
Winifred Riley, a licensed marriage and family clinician in Berkeley, California, says women often tell her: "I'm lonely, I have no friends, and I'm very distant with my partner, always feeling ignored." They want someone to look them in the eye and rekindle their passion.
Emotional reasons
Every affair is different, and women have different reasons.
Dr. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of "He? She? Why We Love Each Other," says that men are more likely to use sex as a motivation for infidelity and are less likely to actually fall in love with their extramarital partners.
Women always try to establish an emotional connection with their lovers, making them more prone to having affairs due to loneliness.
Women are more likely to be dissatisfied with their relationships, while men are happier and more prone to infidelity. Fisher says that women are more inclined than men to fill the void in their marriages or simply leave, whereas for men, such behavior is not their preferred option.
According to a study by Fisher, 34% of women who have affairs are happy or very happy in their marriages. The corresponding percentage for men is even higher, reaching 56%.
Genetic factors?
The theory that infidelity is inherent in men has existed for a long time, suggesting that such behavior is simply a way for men to satisfy the need to reproduce. However, women's infidelity also seems to have evolutionary reasons.
Fisher says this idea originates from the earliest humans, where women mated with primitive male partners and then reproduced. But when women began to venture out to forage, they had relationships with other men, thus seemingly gaining a layer of security—if their partners died, there would be someone to help raise their children and provide resources.
Women who have sex with many men can get more flesh, more protection, and more resources from their partners, Fisher said. She can even have more children, thus creating more genetic diversity in her immediate family; if one child dies, the others can continue to survive.
This theory is highly controversial and its truth cannot be proven even millions of years from now. However, experts believe that women's motivations for having affairs are usually not as simple as sex. This does not mean that women don't have affairs for sex or that sex is not that important—generally speaking, women are not just in it for sex.
"I don't think women cheat just for more sexual satisfaction, but I think they wouldn't mind if they could get it," Riley said. "In fact, sex itself isn't the point; what matters is the feeling of 'being with someone.'"
Using extramarital affairs as a means to escape an unhappy marriage
Diane, who requested not to use her full name, had already been emotionally unfaithful before her physical infidelity. This woman from Tulsa, Oklahoma, said that her utterly disillusioned and sexless marriage left her feeling utterly disillusioned.
“You feel like you’ve lost your dreams and hopes, and you have a premonition that what you’ve imagined will eventually become reality,” Diane said. “I felt very lonely; I never imagined before that I could be so lonely after getting married.”
She started flirting with other men to get attention, but never considered cheating. It wasn't until a business trip, when she was drinking with friends in a very beautiful setting, that she began a long-term affair that made her feel like her marriage no longer existed.
Using another relationship to get through a bad marriage is one of the common reasons why women have affairs.
Riley said they were like people on a sinking ship, using affairs as lifeboats because they didn't want to jump directly into the icy water.
She also observed some women having affairs during periods of life upheaval or vulnerability, such as when their children went to college or they lost their jobs. They viewed infidelity as a form of comfort during such times of change.
Another common reason is using infidelity as a means to save a marriage. One of Riley's patients had an affair, then ended it, using this as a way to tell her husband that their situation was much worse than he imagined.
Riley says clinical practice shows that infidelity is usually caused by problems in the marriage. Treatment can sometimes help them avoid going down that path.
She added that people cheat because they crave something. While she sees some people entangled in various forms of infidelity, many more come to her for help before cheating, because they want to save their marriage.
Accidental or intentional?
Compared to men, women are less likely to have casual affairs. Experts believe this is mainly because they take longer to think things through and consider things more carefully.
Marcela Viner, an Educator and Associate Professor at Marymount Manhattan College in Brooklyn, New York, believes that some women take time to get into the mood, and quick fixes are simply not their style. Men have different emotional patterns; they can quickly detach themselves, making it difficult for a woman to want sex and then act as if nothing happened afterwards.
An old view holds that women are often the more easily ensnared in a relationship, Riley says. She sees some women who remain in relationships with cheating partners, but hesitate if they themselves were to cheat.
When asked about the possibility of losing a partner due to infidelity, Riley said: "Women are actually aware of this risk. Women are less likely to have affairs," she said.
