1. Always wanting to win
One of the deadliest killers of romantic relationships is competitiveness. I'm not referring to the kind of competitive attitude you have in tennis where you can't stand losing, but rather your attitude towards relationships—viewing the relationship itself as a game and wanting to win. People who treat a relationship as a competition are always seeking the upper hand, having the upper hand, and possessing a desire to control their partner. If you feel there are things you can't tell your partner for fear they'll use them against you, then you're in a competitive relationship—and that kind of relationship won't last.
2. Distrust
In romantic relationships, two aspects of trust are crucial. First, you must have enough confidence that your partner won't deceive or hurt you—and that they trust you in the same way. Second, you must be certain that no matter what you do or say, your partner will not leave you and will continue to love you as always. If one person takes advantage of the other's trust and does something unforgivable, then this second layer of trust will crumble, and your relationship will end—even if it has lasted for over a decade.
3. No communication
Many people remain silent about things that frustrate or upset them in their relationships. Firstly, they don't want to hurt their partner's feelings; secondly, they want to maintain a dominant position (see point two; a common scenario is: "If you don't know why I'm going crazy, then of course I won't tell you!"). This approach might keep things peaceful in the short term, but in the long run, it gradually erodes the foundation of the relationship, making it weaker day by day. Small conflicts accumulate into increasingly larger problems.
4. Not listening
Listening—listening attentively—is rare. It's normal to want to defend yourself when you hear someone seemingly criticizing you, so we often interrupt others to defend ourselves or only care about how to defend ourselves, without truly listening to what the other person has to say.
But the truth is, you should listen carefully to what the other person says, even trying to discern the unspoken meanings in their everyday chatter, in order to deduce their dreams and desires, even if they themselves aren't entirely clear about them. If you can't reach that level, at least for the people you love, it's a problem.
5. Unrestrained spending
When you're single, you can buy whatever you want at any time without thinking about the future. While unwise, you only bear the consequences yourself. This way of spending money becomes impractical once you're in a long-term relationship with someone.
Therefore, you should cultivate good spending habits, focusing on daily necessities. If there's a surplus, discuss with your partner how best to use the money. Currently, there are increasingly more cases where spending issues are causing conflict in relationships. If you believe that no one has the right to interfere with your own money, then your relationship is destined to fail.
6. Fear of breaking up
People who enjoy happy relationships don't worry about breaking up. If you do, it means your relationship is in crisis. But usually, the problem stems from this worry itself. It not only indicates a lack of trust in your partner but also reveals a lack of self-confidence—you worry you're not good enough, and that no one has a real reason to want to be with you. Sooner or later, your spouse will realize this and leave you.
Therefore, you spend more energy maintaining the superficial appearance of this relationship instead of cultivating your inner world and building your self-confidence. Frankly, this will not only fail to satisfy you, but also won't please your partner.
7. Over-reliance
Support and dependence in a relationship is a delicate balance. If you depend on your partner—meaning you can't live without them—you've crossed the line. Your partner is under pressure to take care of you in every way, and this pressure can lead to resentment. If you can't contribute financially and offer no other support, then the relationship is unhealthy and unlikely to end well.
8. Desire to be happy
A sign of a bad relationship is that one or both parties expect the other to be happy or hope the other will make them happy. This is an unrealistic expectation, whether for yourself or for both parties—no one can make you happy except yourself—and it is unrealistic to expect this from a romantic relationship.
Being together isn't just about happiness; many times you won't feel happy, and you shouldn't even feel happy. When you feel lost, in pain, depressed, or sad, having someone to lean on is even more important than being constantly happy. If you expect your partner to make you happy—or worse, if you feel frustrated because you can't make them happy—then your relationship is not resilient.
9. Never argue
Occasional healthy arguments are necessary. To some extent, arguments can resolve minor issues and prevent them from escalating into major problems. However, venting anger during arguments is also a perfectly normal part of human emotion. Your romantic relationship must be strong enough to accept the real you, not just your good points.
One reason for not arguing is your fear of conflict—reflecting a lack of trust and a fear of each other. Another reason is that lovers believe anger is irrational and futile. They see arguing as a sign of breaking up rather than a perfectly natural part of a relationship. When an argument makes both parties unhappy, it can lead to both saying things that surprise even themselves—this can prevent you from tolerating each other to the point of an irreparable conflict.
10. Thinking too simply/thinking too hard
There are two very problematic attitudes towards relationships. One is the belief that relationships should be simple; if you truly love someone and intend to spend your life with them, things will naturally fall into place. The other attitude is that relationships are troublesome—and precisely because they are troublesome, you have to work hard to achieve them.
Both of these perspectives will lead you to neglect the relationship. You don't put in the effort because you believe it should fall into place naturally, requiring no effort, or you see it as inherently troublesome and unlikely to become easier with effort. With either attitude, you'll quickly become exhausted: firstly, because the problems you're ignoring don't resolve themselves as you expect; and secondly, because the problems you've been creating are leaving you feeling overwhelmed.
There is no definitive solution to any of the above problems. However, you do have a choice: you can choose to find out why you are hurting this relationship, or you can choose to give up on this broken relationship (or the next one, and the one after that...).
Failure doesn't always mean a breakup—and many people aren't that lucky. Rather, people can unhappily maintain a failed relationship for years or even decades simply because they fear they won't find something better, and worse, some believe it's probably destined to happen.
You must never become one of them—if you are suffering from one of these problems, find a solution, whether it's to seek treatment, rest alone, or simply talk to your partner and assure them that you will change.
