Be brave to love, but also love rationally. Love is one of the most important things in life, and also one of the most difficult to grasp. The feelings in love are too complex and varied, so we easily distrust our own feelings and instead rely on dogma, which is very dangerous.
Mistake 1: Selfless love
Many people's inner answer is—the best love is selfless love. If you have this answer, consciously or unconsciously, then hell awaits you.
In other words, he doesn't love you, he loves himself. Would you be with someone who only loves themselves? The answer is obvious.
Mistake 2: You'll know how to love when you're older.
The capacity to love has little to do with age.
Romantic relationships are a projection of the internal relationship patterns we formed with our parents and other family members in childhood onto our external relationships with our lovers in adulthood. People who had harmonious relationships with their families in childhood are more likely to have harmonious relationships in their romantic relationships; those who had intense conflicts with their families in childhood are more likely to experience conflicts in their romantic relationships. This projection is quite constant and not greatly affected by age.
Mistake 3: You can do it, I'm relying on you.
There are two ways for a man to make a woman believe in herself: one, by showcasing his own strengths; two, by negating the woman's strengths.
Interestingly, during a relationship, many women, whose self-confidence is severely damaged by frequent criticism from their partners, actually think, "Since you always say I can't do it, then you must be able to. In that case, I'll rely on you."
Men generally understand this. Therefore, they are generally accustomed to criticizing women and pretending to be capable. Furthermore, the more insecure they are, the more they pretend to be "very capable." However, facts prove that there is no necessary connection between saying "you are not good enough" and "I am good enough."
Mistake 4: Loving you means being good to you.
This is one of the most common, and also the most harmful, doctrines about love.
This belief is true for a person full of love; but it is false for a person full of hatred. This pattern of internal relationships usually stems from childhood influences.
It's crucial to see this side of love, otherwise you'll easily become disappointed in it. Stay away from people with poor internal relationship patterns, unless they have the capacity for self-reflection.
Mistake 5: A good friend is a good partner.
No matter how much someone seems to care about their relationships with friends or colleagues, the emotional depth generated is still far less than that of a romantic relationship. Therefore, when dealing with such relationships, a person can generally exercise rationality and control their emotions better. However, in a deep romantic relationship, no one is willing to control themselves.
Therefore, we often see this phenomenon: many people are indifferent to their spouses and children, but warm and affectionate to outsiders. As a result, some people with poor internal relationship patterns may experience an extremely terrible split: they are like saints in public, but absolute tyrants at home.
Mistake 6: Effort and reward are directly proportional.
The idea that every effort will be rewarded is a deep form of narcissism. People who hold this view fail to see the true nature of the other person; they are giving without considering their own needs. Their giving is driven by their own desires, not necessarily their partner's.
In a relationship, giving unconditionally and making no demands on your partner can sometimes imply that you've done everything perfectly and have a clear conscience, so any problems in the relationship are not your responsibility, but theirs. People who habitually play the role of the absolute giver in love should reflect on what they are truly seeking.
Third, I'm narcissistic; I'm a moral saint, so I can't bear the responsibility of ending a close relationship—that would mean I'm not a good person. Therefore, I'd rather endure it, waiting for you to initiate the breakup, for you to be the one in the wrong. If you do that, then I won't have to bear any reputation for injustice.
Mistake 8: Marriage is because of love
The truth is, at least in China, very few marriages are based on love.
Why? Because when facing the person you love most, the longing for love is awakened, as is the despair for love. Beautiful and terrifying feelings intertwine and surge forth. The intensity of the emotions is so strong that it becomes unbearable.
The reason people get together is because they can project their inner turmoil onto their partner. This logic is the truth behind the peculiar choices many people make in marriage.
Mistake 9: Love is for happiness and joy.
A psychologist discovered that once his child experienced a certain feeling while doing something, he would repeatedly try similar things to evoke the same feeling. This compulsive pursuit of certain important inner feelings is the truth of our destiny.
Without profound learning, marriage won't automatically become happy just because you've chosen the "right Mr." or "right Ms." Sometimes, the life experiences we automatically pursue aren't necessarily happy.
Mistake 10: You only cherish things after you've been hurt.
When many men enter into new relationships, one common practice is to complain. They portray their past relationships as terrible, depicting their ex-girlfriends or ex-wives as horrible, thus triggering the maternal instincts of the women who confide in them. However, those who confide forget one crucial point: they entered into relationships freely, and their past lovers were their own choice; they should bear at least half the responsibility for their choices.
We often say that people should learn from their mistakes, but that's just wishful thinking. The truth is, people with this valuable quality are always in the minority, while most people stumble in the same place in life, and in the exact same way. Therefore, if the person pursuing you has a history of messy relationships, then the future of your relationship is more likely to be a mess than suddenly getting better.
A person with inner peace is willing to reflect on themselves, and such a person does indeed understand love more and more as they grow older.
What if experience doesn't apply to relationships? Take it calmly. Every conclusion has its premises, and others' conclusions may not align with yours, so it's normal for them to be inapplicable. Learn to find your own conclusions, starting with your own premises.
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