Every man has an ex-girlfriend hidden in his heart.

A crisis involving an ex-lover is imminent.

It's been jokingly said that a woman's biggest rivals in love are two things: a man's mother and his ex-girlfriend. An ex-girlfriend represents a memory for a man, one that can never be erased. An online survey once asked, "How do men view their ex-girlfriends?" The tragic results showed that over half of the men would conceal this history, even hiding the fact that they still maintain contact with their exes. Even more tragically, over 10% of men are still emotionally attached to their exes! While the accuracy of these survey data may need further verification, the reality revealed by the data is undeniable: some men may still like their ex-girlfriends, still think about them, still contact them, and even hope to rekindle their relationship… A man's attachment to his ex-girlfriends may be stronger than you imagine.

The unattainable always stirs the heart: Is it possible for a man to forever harbor an ex-girlfriend in his heart?!

As the cynical Eileen Chang once said, even red and white roses, once obtained, become nothing more than a rice stain on clothes or a mosquito bloodstain on the wall after a while. What men truly cherish is the white moonlight, the cinnabar mole on their heart. In some men's hearts, they haven't completely let go of their past relationships; their ex-girlfriends remain an unfinished matter.

The reasons for the breakup were likely due to objective realities, such as the distance caused by going their separate ways after graduation or job changes, parental opposition, or youthful impetuosity leading to a lack of communication, tolerance, and understanding of how to reconcile. In short, even if the breakup ended, there was still resentment and reluctance in their hearts. But even if both parties felt they were not suitable for each other and broke up peacefully, the ex-girlfriend always represents a memory for the man; she is like a conquered territory to him.

A male friend shared this analogy: Imagine writing a novel, but for various reasons, you can't continue. You then switch to writing another story, only to later discover that someone else has finished the story and even won an award. I'd be a little unhappy because I feel the award should have been mine, since I wrote the first half, and someone else just reaped the benefits. Especially when a man sees his radiant, gentle, and happy ex, for a fleeting moment, a thought might cross his mind: what if I were still the one beside her?

Psychologists have found that people tend to easily forget completed tasks with results, while vividly remembering interrupted, unfinished, or unfulfilled tasks. Humans have a natural tendency to complete a unit of action, such as solving a riddle or reading a book; this is known as "psychological tension." Aroused but unmet psychological needs form this tension system, prompting individuals to take action to achieve their goals. Therefore, unfinished tasks are more likely to be on people's minds.

This "unfinished business complex" causes people to consciously or unconsciously seek compensation for things they haven't accomplished. The person involved develops a deep, lingering affection and thus constantly seeks to gain double the satisfaction from it. This makes it easier to understand why men might occasionally chat with their ex-girlfriends to see how they're doing, secretly read their QQ space posts and then delete them, or subtly inquire about their ex's recent situation through mutual friends.

Yes, many men admit they keep photos and text messages of their ex-girlfriends, maintain contact with them, and will still lend a helping hand when they encounter difficulties. This is because, subconsciously, they believe that this person carries a part of their own identity, and this special connection makes them feel a responsibility towards her. The feeling of being needed always evokes a man's protective instincts, especially when it's an ex with whom he had a relationship. After all, they loved each other, walked hand in hand on life's journey, and each other left their mark on the other's life.

Some men admitted that they occasionally check their ex-girlfriends' social media accounts, not for any other reason than to see how they are doing. They wonder how their exes are doing now that they've taken care of them, and whether they remember their kindness when things aren't going well. From a man's perspective, being recognized and remembered by his ex, even to the point of her regretting her past actions, is a unique form of praise for his charm and ability.

Furthermore, we unconsciously compare what we have with what we've lost, constantly trying to confirm that we've made the right choice. Time can't be turned back, and love is an incredibly difficult choice. We don't want to waste our hard work and effort on someone who isn't worthy (or deserving). So, men often keep track of their exes, comparing them to their current partners, imagining: "She's gentler, more considerate, more family-oriented now; she has better taste in clothing and more graceful manners; she gets along better with friends and is loved by her parents…" Meanwhile, the ex remains the same: suspicious, self-destructive, struggling at work, and seemingly unsuccessful with her boyfriends. "Knowing you're not doing well makes me feel at ease," the contrast with the ex's misfortune and unhappiness makes the current happiness seem overwhelming (though this kind of thinking is quite cruel).

I'm torn: My current girlfriend also has feelings for her ex-girlfriend...

If a current girlfriend has a perfect ex, she'll probably be secretly pleased, thinking it will make her boyfriend cherish her more. But!!! An overly outstanding ex is undoubtedly a huge threat to the current girlfriend. Every now and then, conversations like these might unfold: "Am I prettier than her?" (trap) "Is my cooking better than hers?" (trap) "Am I too stupid? Would she cook better than me?" (still a trap) "You actually complain about me? If you think she's better, then go find her!" (explosion)... Therefore, there's a saying online: "The ex-girlfriend doesn't live in the boyfriend's heart, but in the current girlfriend's."

Current girlfriend vs. ex-girlfriend

Whether a man is "not yet over it" or has "accepted" the breakup, in the eyes of many current girlfriends, the ex-girlfriend remains a thorn in their side. As the saying goes, "curiosity killed the cat," and they tirelessly follow the ex-girlfriend's every move. Women care so much about a man's ex for two main reasons: they see her as a threat and a point of reference. Both stem from the desire to "learn from history"—to see how good the ex-girlfriend was, what she was good about, and what they could learn from her; or, to learn from her flaws and avoid accidentally stepping into a minefield and becoming an ex themselves.

This concern is not unfounded. British psychologist Spearman conducted a relationship experiment in 2012 and concluded that when a man thinks about his ex, it may be a sign of dissatisfaction with his current relationship. The "belonging substitution hypothesis" also suggests that our strong emotional connections with others can be replaced, and people may turn back to their closest ex after growing tired of a relationship. This is because it's the quickest and easiest way to regain a strong sense of belonging.

So, how should the current incumbent respond to this "threat"?

First, you need to be confident. Believe that you have strengths and advantages, and are good enough to deserve your boyfriend's attention and affection; also trust your boyfriend's judgment—since he chose you, it means you are more suitable for him; believe that he is mature enough to handle the issues with his ex, and believe that after his previous relationship, he will have a deeper understanding of love.

Secondly, learn to accept the fact that you have an ex-girlfriend. As a past relationship, your ex-girlfriend is an objective fact. It's better to accept all the "shaping" and "changes" she made in your relationship, but that's all in the past. From the moment you established your relationship, it's up to you to start a new chapter, leaving your mark and covering up the traces she left behind. Therefore, the smart thing to do is not to keep asking about her. Every time you mention her, it will remind your boyfriend of her again, strengthening his memory of her and rekindling the "shaping and changes" she made in him.

The last impression is often the strongest, overshadowing any preceding factors. This is known as the recency effect, which refers to the phenomenon where people remember the last items in a series of events better than the middle items. Earlier information gradually fades in memory, making recent information more prominent in short-term memory.

As his current girlfriend, how can you enhance the "recency effect," boost your charm, and increase your attractiveness? Cultivate your own hobbies and interests; being multi-talented and focused will dramatically increase your attractiveness, allowing your boyfriend to discover a whole new side of you. Women should always maintain a mindset and actions that prioritize beauty. A woman's beauty sometimes lies not in her outward appearance but in her pursuit of beauty—a positive attitude towards self-acceptance. When aesthetic fatigue sets in, be willing to try new things to maintain freshness and attraction. Plan a trip, or do something you've always dreamed of together; this will not only strengthen your relationship but also create shared memories…

Many women understand that the reason they see an ex-girlfriend as a threat is simply because they worry they're not good enough, that their ex-girlfriend will come back and beat them to it, or that their boyfriend still remembers the good times with the ex… The truth is, she's not as good as you imagine, and you're good enough too. Trust that your boyfriend isn't a fool. In relationships, security is paramount, a principle applicable to both men and women, and security is "contagious." Instead of getting caught up in the anxieties surrounding your ex-girlfriend and creating unnecessary anxiety, focus on nurturing your current relationship. Let your boyfriend feel your love and quiet care, make him feel a sense of belonging when he holds you, and let him silently make a promise about the future and about home.