Marriage doesn't necessarily have a seven-year itch; often, the "itch" begins as early as two years into the marriage!
Recently, the China Judicial Big Data Research Institute of the Supreme People's Court released a special report on divorce disputes. The report analyzed first-instance divorce cases concluded nationwide in 2016 and 2017 and found many patterns in marriage: the period from 2 to 7 years after marriage is the peak period for marital breakdown, and couples with an age difference of 0 to 3 years are the most likely to divorce.
The passionate period in marriage lasts only 1000 days.
Passion is the driving force behind doing anything, and marriage is no exception. Wang Yue, a specially appointed psychological counselor and marriage and relationship counselor at the Affiliated Hospital of Hangzhou Normal University, explained that research suggests the passionate period in marriage lasts for 1,000 days, after which the romance gradually fades into the mundane realities of daily life.
There are many types of marital relationships. From the perspective of marriage motivation, there are love-based and utilitarian types. Love-based relationships can be further divided into personality-based and sex-attractive types. Personality-based couples tend to have similar personalities and values, making their marriages more stable. Utilitarian couples are primarily united by factors such as background, education, social status, and wealth; sex-attractive couples are united by physical attraction. Both types of relationships are susceptible to instability or aesthetic fatigue after marriage, leading to marital instability.
In the years following their marriage, the couple often vie for control of the household. The man feels that his position as head of the household is unshakeable according to tradition, while the woman feels that she has contributed more and should be the "number one" in the family. In the end, they find that neither of them can lead the other.
In addition, most families will welcome their first child 2 to 7 years after marriage, and the child's education becomes the biggest factor causing many marriages to "go wrong." For example, when it comes to enrolling in extracurricular classes, mothers say it's necessary and the child shouldn't learn less than others, while fathers say the child is too young to bear too much burden, leading to many arguments.
With the arrival of a child, grandparents often become involved in the young couple's lives. Wang Yue suggests that married couples should not rely on their parents for everything; both sets of grandparents should act as "landlords," not "police officers." Many grandparents nowadays act as "police officers," siding with their children and criticizing the other, which is harmful to the young family. It's better to be a "landlord" who only appears when needed, which is more conducive to the stability of the children's marriage.
Couples with a 0-3 year age difference have the highest divorce rate.
The report shows that couples with an age difference of 0 to 3 years are most likely to divorce. This is partly because the proportion of couples with this age difference is relatively large, and partly because two people of similar age are more likely to be confrontational and unwilling to compromise.
Recent divorce data shows that most divorces occur among the post-80s generation, a notable characteristic of being only children. Psychologist Zhang Xiaoping stated that only children lack the experience of living with siblings, resulting in poorer ability to handle conflicts among peers and a reluctance to compromise. When faced with interpersonal conflicts, they are prone to either clashing and arguing, or escaping by saying, "I want to be alone."
This emotional approach to handling family conflicts is highly inadvisable. Hu Yinmeng, the ex-wife of writer Li Ao, wrote in her book that one day after their marriage, she was stewing pork ribs at home. Lacking experience, she threw the ribs into the pot without defrosting them. Li Ao criticized her for being foolish, and Hu Yinmeng, in a fit of anger, grabbed her bag and left. This is a classic example of poor conflict resolution. Although their age difference was more than three years, their marriage lasted only 115 days due to this method of handling conflict.
Therefore, couples of similar age need to understand and compromise with each other. The poet Yu Guangzhong and his wife Fan Wocun are only three years apart in age, and they have been together for 61 years. "Home is a place for affection, not for logic; a good marriage relies on compromise. Marriage is an art of compromise." Yu Guangzhong's philosophy of marriage is worth learning from.
More than 60% of couples did not divorce in the end.
Data shows that in 65.81% of cases, the parties were ordered to continue their marriage. In other words, many couples who file for divorce do not actually have a breakdown in their relationship, but rather it is a "passionate divorce" that occurs in the heat of the moment.
Previously, the Yibin County People's Court in Sichuan Province introduced a "Marriage and Family Examination Paper" during the mediation stage of divorce cases. The questions included: What is your wedding anniversary? What is your spouse's birthday? How are household chores divided?… Judges discovered through this method that many couples did not experience a breakdown in their relationship, but rather acted impulsively. According to statistics from the Ministry of Civil Affairs, nearly 400,000 couples chose to remarry in 2016.
Wang Yue suggests that when two people with completely different upbringings live together, an adjustment period is inevitable. After the initial excitement fades, mutual tolerance and communication are essential. Marriage is sacred; one shouldn't threaten divorce at the slightest provocation, as this is very damaging to the relationship. Pre-marital counseling can be beneficial, allowing for anticipation of potential problems, such as the relationship between the nuclear family and the family of origin, issues of "leadership," and child-rearing. After marriage, couples should also engage in more open and honest communication, discussing what kind of married life they desire. Only by understanding each other's needs can they effectively fulfill their roles in the marriage.
Marriage is the true beginning of a relationship between the sexes, and it requires continuous learning. Men need to be more responsible, women need to be more understanding and supportive, and both sets of parents need to let go more. Only in this way can a marriage be harmonious and fulfilling.
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