If you listen to a lot of love songs, date "experts," or immerse yourself in romance novels, you might think that we are destined to find that special person—your soulmate.
But how do you know if you've found your "soulmate"? Do birds sing? Will you see fireworks or shooting stars?
For those who haven't found their "soulmate" yet, should you keep searching?
Research on the science of interpersonal relationships over the past 20 years suggests that maintaining a "destined" mindset—that we are all destined to find a perfect, ideal partner—can potentially cause problems in our love lives.
This sense of destiny influences how we evaluate our lovers and how we maintain long-term relationships.
For some, this mindset can even include a mental image of what the person should look like.
What is the cost of mindset?
This sense of destiny might make a person less willing to develop relationships with people who possess many excellent qualities, because such people do not meet the standards of "that person" in one's mind.
For example, a person with a fatalistic mindset may be more inclined to focus on the potential flaws or shortcomings of others rather than their positive qualities.
On the other hand, a person may not pursue potential romantic interests, hoping something better will happen—something that aligns with their vision of destiny. By maintaining a fatalistic mindset, they may reject genuine opportunities to find true love.
For those in existing relationships, maintaining a fateful mindset may be related to relationship satisfaction if the current relationship closely (if not perfectly) matches their expectations.
However, dissatisfaction arises if the relationship does not align with a person's view of destiny, or if the relationship is assessed as no longer in line with their destiny.
Research suggests that people with a fatalistic mindset don't put as much effort into their relationships because they have very fixed views about partners and relationships. They tend to accept things as they are—whether a relationship is predetermined or not—rather than spending time and energy making the relationship work and dealing with problems within it.
Is there a better option?
In contrast to the concept of destiny, some people hold the concept of "growth relationships." This includes the belief and expectation that partners and relationships can evolve and change over time, as well as the ability to overcome problems or challenges.
Research to date suggests that a growth mindset is associated with more effective ways of dealing with interpersonal challenges and the use of more problem-solving methods to handle interpersonal difficulties.
People with a growth mindset experience a variety of positive things, such as closer relationships and more satisfying sex lives. They also have better, more constructive ways of handling conflict. Furthermore, a growth mindset has been found to reduce the risk of relationship breakdowns.
Can you have your cake and eat it too?
Some people recall meeting their partners and knowing they were "the one." But when describing how their relationship developed over time, it's clear they invested time and effort and addressed problems as they arose.
These people may have a belief in fate, but generally speaking, they have a more growth mindset towards their relationships.
For example, these couples often acknowledge that their partnership and relationship have changed, and frequently note that they have helped each other grow and develop over time.
Therefore, if you work hard in your relationship, and you and your partner help each other grow and develop, you may come to know each other so deeply that you feel you share a common soul. Perhaps that's what's called a true soulmate.
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