Changes in libido are common throughout life and affect both genders. This can be worrying, especially when you notice a seemingly dramatic drop. But there are many ways to help!
Our sexual desire is not a switch.
Sexual desire is your sexual needs or drive, which is influenced by a combination of physiological, emotional, psychological, and relational factors.
Experiencing puberty often leads to the first sexual experience, which helps us understand the importance of certain hormones in triggering sexual desire. In women, estrogen is the primary source of libido, while in men it is testosterone.
Some medical conditions and medications, as well as commonly used drugs such as alcohol, can affect hormones and brain chemicals that reduce libido—in other words, a person's libido has a physiological component.
For example, depression can cause decreased libido, and medications used to treat depression can also cause decreased libido.
Similarly, some people experience a decrease in libido after taking hormonal birth control pills, while others find it helpful. Everyone is different, and things change over time.
Crazy Pure Love
Most importantly, both in the past and present, libido is largely influenced by our surroundings and experiences. A common scenario, as you might know it yourself, is that libido declines as a relationship ages.
The early stages of a relationship can be filled with sexual urges and something called deep infatuation. Deep infatuation is an emotional response to a new partner or a very romantic relationship—a time when many love songs are sung! This is due to the activation of certain brain chemicals, which for some people feel like an addiction or obsession, a feeling of being "madly in love."
As a relationship continues, feelings of deep affection may diminish, and sometimes sexual desire may also decrease. For some couples, this is not a big deal and doesn't cause much worry. For others, low libido can be distressing for one or both partners.
Exchange ideas, communicate, exchange ideas!
Sometimes, simply knowing that a decreased libido is normal can be reassuring. Other times, it's not so, and it's worth checking out. Take a quick look at your overall health status, including stress and lifestyle factors (alcohol, drugs, sleep habits, exercise).
Or talk to your partner and see what's going on inside and outside the bedroom. Here are some good questions you can ask them (remember to be honest with them):
Do you have varying degrees of sexual desire or a different biological clock (one person falls asleep at 9 pm, the other at 1 am)?
Does your partner want (or want less) sex than you do? This can cause tension or anxiety, which in turn affects your libido.
In the four years you've been together, have you been able to communicate with each other about what brings you happiness, and is that a mutual feeling?
What kind of bedding do you like?
Are there any other issues besides this relationship, such as financial pressure, concerns about parents/family, studies, or work?
Will the past continue to bother you?
If you are worried about medical issues, you can see a doctor first. If it is more likely related to stress or your relationship, you can see a therapist alone or together as a couple.
You may not need professional intervention—many couples can resolve this issue through good communication—but if you want help, don't hesitate.
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