A while ago, I was chatting with a friend who had just returned from abroad, and we inadvertently started talking about extramarital affairs. My friend said that Chinese women are really not as smart as Western women when it comes to dealing with their husbands' infidelity. When faced with the same situation, most Western women would naturally think of self-reflection and introspection first, while Chinese women, seemingly very loyal to their marriage, would resort to extreme measures such as crying, making a scene, and threatening divorce.
Clearly, the latter is far more foolish and impulsive than the former. Firstly, subjectively speaking, such a outburst by a Chinese woman not only fails to resolve the issue but also quickly and directly hands over her happiness and marriage to another woman—a welcome development for the third party. Secondly, objectively speaking, regardless of the specific reasons or faults a man commits outside the marriage, the wife is inevitably at fault. Since she is also at fault, if she truly wants to save the marriage, why can't she first adopt a self-critical attitude?
After listening to my friend's words, I seem to have gained some insight. Perhaps this is just his defense of his extramarital affair, but if you truly take it to heart, it's not without merit. For a marriage teetering on the brink of collapse due to an affair, it's perhaps truly difficult to find a way to save it except through reciprocation. Although this is unfair to the innocent party or woman in the marriage, reality is cruel. The cruelty dictates that the one who "reciprocates" must be the innocent party or woman, because the guilty party is already immersed in the sweetness and excitement of love or infidelity, making it incredibly difficult to get them to voluntarily repent and return to the right path.
Perhaps in this respect, Chinese women should really learn from Western women, learning their composure and objective problem-solving skills, and their rational, objective, and proactive approach to protecting marriage and happiness. Only by achieving this can a marriage, children, and family truly be blessed, and undoubtedly, you and your partner be blessed as well.
Following my friend's line of thought, let's delve deeper into the issue. From a psychological and physiological perspective, a man seeking extramarital affairs must have significant underlying needs; otherwise, no one would willingly invite trouble. So what exactly are these needs? I believe the answer lies entirely in his partner or wife, and these needs must be something his partner or wife cannot provide, or something they could provide but failed to do, or something they neglected.
A lover is a mirror of a wife.
Frankly, I've always believed that a mistress is a mirror of a wife. Without hesitation, I've seen this view validated by many marriages and extramarital affairs I've encountered; it seems to be a universally applicable truth.
So what's the logic behind this viewpoint? Let me start with an analogy. Take cooking, for example. If a woman can only cook the same few dishes for her man every day, without considering taste or quality, even the best man will eventually want to sneak out to eat at a restaurant. Conversely, if a woman can vary the dishes every day, changing the flavors, even if her cooking skills aren't great, her man will absolutely not easily think of cheating. This is a kind of psychological void in people's lives.
Of course, there's another possibility that can't be explained by the concept of a human void. That is, the woman's cooking was always perfectly suited to the man's taste from the start. Even if she made him eat radishes every day, she knew how to change the cooking methods and the fancy ways she cut the vegetables every few days. This is actually a skill in itself, reflecting not only her superb culinary skills but also her wisdom.
Let's elevate this cooking analogy to the level of marriage. Isn't marriage just like that? If a man seeks other women outside the marriage, it's because the woman at home has failed to meet his various needs to some extent. These needs may include aspects such as face, emotions, psychology, and physiology. He will combine these many points into one point and unconsciously compare this point with other women. As long as the comparison fails, the man has already psychologically acquired the objective conditions to have an affair. As for whether he will actually have an affair and how long it will take, those are all separate matters.
Therefore, many smart women can guess what kind of woman their husbands or lovers are without even seeing them. This is because they can use this mirror to reflect their own situation, deducing the other person's appearance from their own, and at the same time, seeing their own true inner world reflected in the other person's appearance, thus taking more proactive and effective measures to salvage the relationship.
If your lover is slim, then perhaps you should lose some weight; if your lover always praises him, then you should criticize him less; if your lover never interferes with his freedom, then you should give him more time off; if your lover always knows his innermost thoughts and secrets before you do, then you should find ways to communicate with him more… Although these words may sound harsh, although they may seem theoretical, and although not every one of these theories applies… you have no excuse to ignore or turn a blind eye, unless you truly no longer love him and no longer want to save this marriage!
I'm not exaggerating; with societal development, our marital situation and environment are indeed quite unfavorable. If we still insist on using old-fashioned, traditional, and conservative methods to condemn infidelity outright, and resort to unforgiving tactics like divorce to settle things peacefully, then I can only offer you this advice: "Circling the tree three times, which branch can one perch on?"
To all the unfortunate, suffering, and even pitiful women, the saying "A lover is a mirror of his wife" is the only true advice I can give you, but it requires your wisdom and courage to accept. Please believe me, marriage requires wisdom, and even more so, a woman's wisdom.
As women, when we accidentally encounter such a situation, why can't we put the pain aside, carefully, rationally, and bravely analyze ourselves, and then start by reciprocating to actively win back the man's affection? Why must we create chaos, lose our family and children, and hand over the happiness we've worked so hard to create to another woman? Perhaps she can't compare to you in any way, perhaps she only has that one small, shining quality that you lack but your husband desperately wants!
So, what I'm saying today isn't out of malice towards women, nor am I advocating for men's extramarital affairs. I simply want to take a step back and consider the psychology of men and the broader context of marriage to offer some practical suggestions for improvement. If you can sense this, I'll be satisfied!
