What kind of man do we really need?

How big are the psychological differences between men and women? Should girls be princesses, goddesses, queens, or tomboys? What kind of men do we really need? In this episode of "Expert Q&A," we invited Professor Guan Meilin, Vice Dean of the Beijing Correspondence College of Psychology, Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences, to talk about the little secrets in a girl's heart.

1. Are engineering students and liberal arts students really completely different? Is it a psychological difference caused by their environment?

Guan Meilin: This isn't solely due to environmental factors. Choosing engineering or humanities inherently reflects a greater interest in a particular field, or a personality trait better suited to or more suited to a particular subject. Engineering students tend to be more logic-oriented, with potentially higher levels of rational development; humanities students, on the other hand, are more emotionally driven and prefer fields imbued with emotion. The differences between the two stem from both innate personality traits and the influence of their environment.

2. Experts, do you think office romances are reliable? What's it like to have an ambiguous relationship with a colleague?

Guan Meilin: It doesn't matter whether it's reliable or not. Office romances are more likely to happen because two people spend a lot of time together, making it easier for them to understand each other. They also have the space and time to care for and support each other, creating better conditions for the development of their relationship. As for whether it's reliable or not, future marriages are determined by many factors. Establishing feelings in the early stages has advantages, but it may also bring some problems to the development of the marriage, such as clashes and conflicts at work.

If you have frequent contact with colleagues and enjoy positive emotional experiences, but maintain clear boundaries, it doesn't qualify as flirting. However, hoping for deeper emotional connections with office colleagues involves corresponding risks. We don't recommend engaging in flirting in the office; building positive colleague relationships is a healthier approach.

3. How can older single women find a partner?

Guan Meilin: One reason why older single women find it difficult to find partners might be that age is no longer an advantage for them. Men tend to prefer younger women, at least from a reproductive perspective. Additionally, men generally have a need to care for others, and in traditional Chinese culture, men are generally older than women.

Another challenge is that as women age, their experience increases, their understanding of men deepens, and naturally, their needs and expectations rise. Meeting the multifaceted demands of mature women is relatively difficult; they need to be sensible, have a successful career, be wealthy, handsome, and considerate…

I think older women can become aware of what's most important and what they need most, and be able to accept imperfections in marriage. No one can meet all your needs in marriage, and we don't have the ability to meet all of another person's needs. Perhaps meeting the most important needs is enough for a good relationship. If you lower your standards for a partner and don't pursue perfection, the chances of finding a partner are still quite high.

4. I've heard that experts really understand women? Could an expert share some special flirting techniques?

Guan Meilin: Everyone's needs are different. So if you really want to win a girl's heart, you should address her specific needs. If she needs care, then show her care; if she needs independence and space, then excessive care will put pressure on her. So there are no real tricks; the most important thing is to be willing to understand and respond to someone. I think that's the most important thing.

5. How many girls are actually superficial and only care about looks? How important is a guy's appearance?

Guan Meilin: I haven't investigated this, so I have no right to comment. But I want to say that everyone has aesthetic needs and enjoys appreciating beautiful things, so paying attention to appearance is natural and normal. However, I believe that many girls are very cautious when choosing a marriage partner. They consider not so much appearance, but whether the man can truly shoulder the responsibilities of marriage and build a family with them. Therefore, what's truly important for a boy is whether he has a mature mindset and a positive, enterprising spirit. This is likely to be more attractive to girls and give them a greater sense of security.

Some girls may be very independent and not have a high need for this kind of security, but at least this boy won't become a source of pressure or burden in her future life. So boys don't need to care too much about their appearance. If they truly have ability, that ability may be more attractive than appearance in the long run.

6. What kind of state is "flirting"?

Guan Meilin: Everyone has a different definition of "flirting". In my opinion, it may be a kind of probing. People are unwilling to deal with uncertain things in a formal way. Otherwise, being rejected may cause discomfort. So they use this method to get closer to the opposite sex and try to get some feedback.

7. What should I do if my daughter has been single for a long time and doesn't want to find a boyfriend anymore?

Guan Meilin: Whether or not to find a boyfriend is a choice in life, and no one says everyone has to go through marriage. Of course, having a happy marriage is a very fortunate thing in life. But if you don't have such a suitable opportunity, you don't have to force yourself or pursue the kind of "completeness" that others envision. If you feel that you are not ready, that you are not capable of compatibility and getting along with another person, and you enjoy being single, then there's nothing wrong with that.

8. What are some common conflicts in relationships that are actually caused by differences between men and women?

Guan Meilin: Let me give you a few examples. Men and women are not only different physiologically and physically, but also have many differences in their brains. Women generally have richer and stronger emotional needs, while men's emotional experiences are somewhat more monotonous. So, if a woman wants a man to be as emotionally sensitive as she is, it is indeed a challenge and a pressure. Don't make men guess and speculate about your emotions; take the initiative to share your emotional experiences with men, and the relationship will be much easier. "A woman's heart is like a needle at the bottom of the sea"—men can never understand it, so why make him guess?

Many women have a need for self-esteem and feel that "if you can guess it, it means you love me." They think that if they say it, it's because they're actively asking for it, which is unnecessary. Most of the time, men are willing to respond to proactive communication. However, if you make him guess, both you and he feel frustrated, making the relationship difficult.

Furthermore, women's left and right hemispheres of the brain communicate more closely. The left hemisphere is primarily responsible for language and reason, while the right hemisphere is mainly responsible for spatial and emotional processing. Therefore, women are generally more intuitive and can express their emotions more clearly through language, thus having a higher need for verbal expression. Men are relatively weaker in this regard and sometimes prefer quiet. This is why men often find women nagging, and women often find men silent. In reality, mutual understanding would be better.

9. What happens when a girl from the North finds a boyfriend from the South, or a guy from the North finds a girlfriend from the South? Will the differences in lifestyle lead to more and more conflicts?

Guan Meilin: Two people are always two people, with many different life experiences, values, family backgrounds, eating habits, and so on. Geographical location is just one factor; even people from the same region can experience conflicts. First and foremost, mutual respect is essential, and more importantly, communication and problem-solving are crucial. Without these, even if a man and woman live very close to each other, conflicts will still arise.

10. My boyfriend is meticulous but stingy. When we go out to eat, he always waits for me to tell the waiter to split the bill. When we go grocery shopping, he stands behind me, waiting for me to pay. I feel very uncomfortable about this. I'm capable of earning my own money, and I won't let him spend a lot of money on me. If he were more generous and offered to pay, I would treat him next time. Is his stinginess a sign of irresponsibility? Is it a sign that he doesn't love me? Will he be able to achieve anything in the future? He's three years older than me.

Guan Meilin: Everyone has their own habits, with both advantages and disadvantages. Being stingy might be related to past life experiences. Being stingy has its advantages; it means being careful with money, which may lead to frugality and living within one's means in future marriage. Of course, the result might not be a pleasant psychological experience. You can communicate about this habit and what kind of financial values ​​you both share. Additionally, you can choose the kind of people you choose to be with.

If a boy's career requires sharing or financial investment, it might limit his development in some minor ways. However, if he pursues work such as scientific research or teaching, it might not have a significant impact. So, whether he succeeds depends on his field of study.

In addition, in his eyes, love may not be expressed through money; it may be through care or other forms of contribution. You can't judge whether someone loves you simply by whether they spend money on you.

11. Since men and women are different, what do you think constitutes true gender equality?

Guan Meilin: There are indeed significant differences between men and women, in terms of physical strength and the allocation of family functions, making it difficult to demand true equality in every aspect, such as income or contribution to the family. True equality is equality of personhood, without distinction of rank or status. Regardless of each person's strengths or occupations, everyone deserves respect and care, and everyone's thoughts and attitudes should be heard.

12. What is the psychological principle behind the saying "It's easy for a woman to pursue a man, but difficult for a man to pursue a woman"?

Guan Meilin: This is an old saying. A veil can be easily brushed aside, but a mountain presents a significant obstacle. Literally, it means it's easier for a woman to pursue a man.

I'd like to ask if this statement accurately describes the state between men and women. I think not necessarily; it depends on the context. If both parties are attracted to each other, it's not that difficult for the man to pursue the woman; if they don't like each other, it's not that easy for the woman to pursue the man either.

13. My boyfriend is short, ugly, and poor, but he's very kind to people. How can I avoid feeling psychologically unbalanced?

Guan Meilin: To truly cultivate a good relationship, the first step is to have a good understanding of yourself—what you need most and from whom you can obtain it. If you're not very attractive, it's not easy to attract "high-quality" resources. However, there are people who may not be perfect, but who treat us sincerely. You can choose what to value more, what to cherish and treasure, but you still need to have self-awareness.

Being short, ugly, and poor should be considered separately. Shortness is innate, and being ugly (if it means not being handsome) is also innate; there's no solution for that, only acceptance. Poverty is merely a temporary situation. While you may not have money now, you can strive to become wealthier and significantly improve your life through personal effort and by choosing a field you excel in. Therefore, I think they shouldn't be viewed together.

So, by learning how to achieve psychological balance, knowing your own position, what you care about, and what others give you, you can better cherish what you have.

14. Where should a girl place her boyfriend or husband in her life? As an emotional support, a source of spiritual comfort, or the center of her life?

Guan Meilin: My personal suggestion is that the best state is for both partners to be relatively independent and well-rounded. To use an analogy, each person can play a solo without relying on others, and two people can also play a duet, achieving harmony. There's beauty in both ensemble and solo performances. I hope that in relationships, both partners can support themselves while also caring for each other and building a family together. Of course, this is the ideal state. Relatively speaking, everyone's needs are different. At different stages, some boys may prefer to protect girls, while girls may be more dependent. Therefore, different families have different models.

15. Ms. Guan, I'm 29 years old and a civil servant. I met a girl who is also a civil servant. We chatted and got along well. When I expressed my feelings to her, she later asked her parents, and they said her family required me to own a house. So, she gave up on getting to know me better... What should I do?

Guan Meilin: Relationships are a matter between two people. It's not wrong for this girl to consider her parents' advice and prioritize a certain economic foundation. After all, the two of you will need to live together and have children after marriage, so a stable home is very important to her. As for how to resolve this, I suggest you communicate further. Is it because you can't afford it financially, or is it not currently in your plans? Will you have the ability to buy a house in the future?

If you don't have the financial means right now, that's an unchangeable reality for you. She has the right to choose, and you have the right to choose. I believe there are girls who can accept a boy without his own home and are willing to spend their lives with him. Look around you; aren't there girls like that?

Finally, I'd like to share some personal thoughts:

Relationships between the sexes are inherently equal. Loving or liking someone doesn't mean we have to love everything about them; we can maintain our independence. Neither partner needs to demand that the other completely become themselves. A healthy relationship requires giving each other space and room to grow. Relationships built on pleasing others are exhausting and unlikely to bring genuine enjoyment to the other person.

For a girl to be happy, she must first learn to have an independent personality and self, be able to care for herself well, and have good self-development. She shouldn't depend on a man for her emotional life; she should be capable of living independently, enjoying intimacy with a man, and having the ability to create harmonious music with another person. If she has a good partner, she should cherish that happiness. Even before finding a good partner, she should still cherish herself, enjoying inner happiness and a happy life.