In Yi Shu's famous novel "My First Half of Life," the full-time housewife Zi Jun is abandoned by her husband in middle age and is scolded by her daughter for "not being feminine enough," with the daughter saying, "I never see you being affectionate or coquettish with your father." The mother retorts, "I don't understand these things. I am a respectable woman, and I am certain of my integrity. Good women don't bother with these things."
Then look at Lin Chi-ling, who has successfully won the favor of most men on Earth: a slight squint, a sway of her waist, a sweet voice—life seems perfect for her. Many women outwardly disdain and look down on Lin Chi-ling, but inwardly they envy, are jealous of, and resentful of her ability to attract so many men.
So, almost no normal man dislikes a woman's coquettishness, right? Even if he's gay, he'd probably still enjoy it, since best friends often pout, wave their arms, and act spoiled, right? But have you ever wondered: why is coquettishness so popular? Is the "art of coquetry" applicable to everyone, anytime, anywhere? How can you be coquettish to achieve twice the result with half the effort and be flawlessly charming? Let's uncover the four secrets of coquettishness with a psychologist—
Secret #1: Flirting can bring two people closer while smoothly avoiding conflict.
From a psychological perspective, flirting is a form of expression, a kind of rhythm inherent in our bodies. Why is it said that "a woman who knows how to flirt is the luckiest"? In the movie, the tomboyish Zhou Xun had a crush on Huang Xiaoming for so long that he was completely unaware, but the scheming Sui Tang, with just a few sweet words like "Can I sit here?" and "How could you eat rabbit?!", instantly made him go straight and then become her devoted follower. While the plot is somewhat exaggerated, the charm and effectiveness of a woman's flirting are undeniable.
“People who often act coquettishly will think of all sorts of ways to do so, such as humorous, playful, sarcastic, or flirtatious... This is a way for them to avoid conflict,” Yu Lingyan said. “They are usually quite flexible, able to compromise and make concessions, and generally capable of avoiding conflict.”
At the same time, people with a more "feminine rhythm" tend to have more feminine traits and are more gentle. In emotional relationships, a gentle approach makes it easier to connect and deepen the connection. "A forceful approach only makes the other person more self-protective, causing them to withdraw and making it harder to give love." Therefore, in relationships between men and women, gentle coquetry helps people obtain the satisfaction of love. When love comes, a sense of security follows, and happiness will follow.
Secret #2: Some men might not like you when you act cute or affectionate.
Although many people have fallen for the "flirting technique" after watching "Women Who Flirt Are the Luckiest," with classic flirting phrases like "I hate it," "No way," and "I don't know" frequently imitated, and even some men starting to sway their backs and speak in a childlike, coquettish manner, many ladies and gentlemen remain unmoved. Women, no matter what, "don't know" how to flirt, just like Ziju in the novel, who "felt awkward whenever she tried to twist her body or speak in a high-pitched voice." Men, on the other hand, are not used to or don't appreciate their girlfriends or wives flirting with them—"We're an old married couple, no need for that," "What kind of talk is that, all that whining and sticky stuff?!"
Psychological counselor Dong Rufeng tells us that while being affectionate is a form of being allowed, it usually requires a relatively high level of psychological support. Generally, everyone has a feeling and judgment about their relationships. Affectionate behavior will only occur when this feeling and judgment is one of safety, tolerance, and a certain level of intimacy. For example, why do children often act affectionately? Because they feel safe, cared for, and loved. If a child doesn't or rarely acts affectionately towards their parents, one reason might be the child's personality, and another reason might be that the parents don't allow it.
People born before the 1980s often share a common memory: at home, parents almost never showed affection or intimacy in front of their children, and watching intimate scenes on television with their parents would leave the whole family feeling awkward and uncomfortable. "The entire family was rather rational and repressive; the atmosphere for expressing emotions was scarce or nonexistent. Behaviors and events expressing emotions were hidden or suppressed, leaving no room for being affectionate or playful." Therefore, it's not surprising that many men and women born in the 1960s and 70s don't know how to be affectionate or don't like to be affectionate.
Secret Three: Using coquetry to avoid conflict and refuse to grow up is not advisable.
Humans are emotional beings, and individual thoughts and preferences vary greatly. The "art of charmingly behaving" isn't always a foolproof method to overcome conflict. While this playful, affectionate approach can help avoid and resolve conflict, some conflicts in relationships are actually beneficial and require direct confrontation—a kind of "blessing in disguise." Therefore, excessive use of this charming, playful approach can lead us to "avoid conflicts we shouldn't avoid, thus hindering our growth."
So another question arises: how do you distinguish which conflicts in a relationship can be resolved with a little sweet talk, and which require courageous confrontation? Experts suggest: try. Because everyone faces different people and environments in relationships, if you avoid a conflict you shouldn't avoid, it will inevitably recur; if you escalate a conflict that could be resolved with a little sweet talk, you'll feel the sacrifice the conflict made for the relationship wasn't worth it. This is a process of continuous trial and error, and no one can avoid it.
Secret #4: Be mindful of the occasion and the other person's reaction when you're being affectionate.
"When you're an adult, you have to be careful about the occasion when you act cute." Because acting cute is a deep connection between two people, a very deep and open connection, and a very rich expression of emotion, so it's not suitable for rational occasions.
Furthermore, how do you strike the right balance when being coquettish? Dong Rufeng believes that firstly, it depends on your personal ability—whether you possess the capacity to be coquettish; secondly, it depends on the relationship—the person you're being coquettish with must be someone you have an emotional connection with; and thirdly, it depends on the environment—you can't be coquettish with your husband at a funeral, can you?! When all three conditions are met, our coquettishness will be just right, sweet and gentle, fully showcasing your beauty, your love, expressing your grievances, and helping you gain sympathy and support. Perhaps, it might even save all of humanity on Earth!
If you, like some women, believe that flirting is something virtuous women shouldn't learn, then you're out of touch. Flirting is a legitimate way to express emotions, and as long as we learn to use it, we can get along better with others. Flirting in moderation and in a reasonable way is perfectly acceptable.
