The localized conflict escalated and affected the couple's relationship.
Unhappy couples often get sidetracked when discussing problems, falling into a vicious cycle known as the kitchen sink.
What is the kitchen sink? It refers to a localized conflict that spills over into everything in your relationship. You were talking about the bathroom sink, and suddenly the conversation veers into how I treat your mother, even going back to before we started dating, like when I was late, and you're suddenly nitpicking. Happy couples don't do this; they stick to the issue at hand. Unhappy couples can't do this; they can't focus their conversation on one topic.
Everyone knows how important it is to stick to the issue at hand to resolve problems. However, our habit is to bring up past grievances whenever we argue. For the sake of your loved ones and your relationship, I suggest you change this bad habit.
Liking to summarize oneself is not a good thing.
Self-summarizing is about emphasizing what they want to say. Conversely, happy couples like to summarize what their partner said. Unhappy couples always say: I'll say it again; I'll tell you again; you didn't understand me; you weren't listening; what I wanted to say was…; that's all I wanted to say.
Happy couples, on the other hand, will say: "See, do I understand what you mean?" The difference here is huge; happy couples are more willing to communicate. You can imagine that unhappy couples would say, "Why can't you listen to me? Why don't you understand me?" If you're still constantly reflecting on yourself, none of this will happen.
True communication comes from the opposite of self-reflection. You should say: "You just said something, and I'm not sure if I understand it correctly; did I understand what you meant? No? Let's try again; did I understand this time? Great, I'm so happy." Because I understand you, you'll be happy too. Self-reflection always hinders this process.
Preconceived notions exacerbate the unpleasantness between them.
Presuppositions are when you think you know what others are thinking. For example: "You don't care about me. Even though you sent me flowers, you're just trying to appease me after your previous mistake!" This is like mind reading, cutting off communication. If your conversation is full of presuppositions, you're actually talking to yourself. Presuppositions shut down the other person's avenues of communication because they have no other choice.
Unhappy couples say: I know what you're thinking; I know why you did that. Happy couples say: What are you thinking? Why did you do that? You see the difference, right? The difference lies in being closed versus open. Being open means wanting to know why you did that; open your heart and tell me; tell me what it really means to you.
Happy couples ask open-ended questions, while unhappy couples ask unanswerable questions. They employ a questioning technique called hostile questioning. These questions appear to be questions, but they have no answers. They are simply blaming, offering no way to keep the conversation going. For example: "What were you thinking? How stupid would someone have to be to spend five hundred dollars on that thing?"
People got caught in a cycle of complaints.
For example, someone might say, "Honey, I have a problem. I don't like you spending our time together watching TV." A happy couple would say, "Okay, let's talk about it. What else would you like me to do? Or what would you like to do?" A couple engaging in cross-complaints might say, "I almost forgot! You jerk, you never give me any space!" Cross-complaints are similar to self-reflection; both people are preoccupied with their own problems, trying to find solutions, but their concerns are completely unrelated to the other person's issue.
Negative emotions are contagious
After a ten-minute conversation, negative emotions will emerge. These negative emotions can also influence each other. In other words, one spouse's negative emotions will be transmitted to the other's behavior. For example, if you say you've upset me, I'll respond strongly, and you probably didn't expect me to be so forceful.
Happy couples take a neutral stance when their partner is being negative—think of it as a skill. If your spouse says, "You really annoyed me last night," it's a criticism, and nobody likes being criticized. So how should I respond? The screen in front of you presents a series of choices: negative, neutral, and positive. Which one should you choose? Unhappy couples will directly choose the negative approach: "You're annoyed with me, huh? I'm annoyed with you too!"
Happy couples put a lot of effort into dealing with this situation, such as asking: "Am I annoying you? Let's talk about what makes you dislike me." Of course, this isn't easy, but it will help you break out of a negative cycle. Imagine if every relationship were like the Israeli-Palestinian conflict: you throw something at me, and I hit back, okay, bring it on, great! You keep arguing, negative emotions accumulate, and the situation gets worse and worse.
If you don't want your relationships to become too chaotic, someone needs to suggest breaking out of this vicious cycle. Don't turn neutral behavior into passive behavior, and don't be the first to push over the dominoes, because you know what will happen.
Pay attention to your way of expressing yourself when arguing.
You can express negative emotions with positive ones. This study lists three positive emotions: humor, empathy, and interest (note: this likely refers to interest in maintaining the relationship). If you have more negative emotions, but you also express these three emotions to your partner, and if you manage to overcome all the difficulties, then negative people can still have high-quality marriages. In other words, okay, you're negative, which isn't a good thing; but if you're also emotionally negative, that's terrible.
Even in the midst of conflict, when you're caught in the most negative moment, you can still express: "You know what? I still love you. I'm frustrated right now, but I still love you." This conveys a powerful message: love is more important than conflict. We don't like conflict, we don't like disagreements, but I want to remind you that our foundation is very solid. Conflict may affect me greatly, it may be important, but it's far less important than the bond that connects us. That's the message I'm trying to convey.
Arguments are normal in any relationship. The most important thing is to find a mutually acceptable way to resolve the issue, rather than getting caught in a vicious cycle of mutual blame. Learning how to argue is a lesson in this regard; have you learned it?
