Tang Wenjun and Wu Wei's first date lasted nine hours; they had endless things to talk about. For the next two years, they were as close as one, sharing everything and immersed in a transparent, passionate, and devoted love. Every wish, every fear and dread, every moment of their past and present had to be shared with each other, as if only in this way could their relationship grow closer. Wu Wei said, "At first, it felt wonderful; we loved each other without reservation. But gradually, I felt suffocated. Telling him every single detail of my day seemed like a necessity. I had no personal space or secrets; it was like I had lost myself."
Everyone needs their own secret garden
Wu Wei's predicament doesn't negate a fundamental principle of love: in a good relationship, the ability to openly communicate with one's partner is crucial. However, when we become accustomed to a communication style that involves revealing every detail, we find that our relationship doesn't necessarily become closer. The foundation of intimacy isn't simply knowing everything about the other person; it also includes the secrets you don't know.
Everyone naturally becomes a master of impression management when starting a new relationship. Every little thing we reveal contributes to our image project, whether it's the books or movies we claim to love, or the childhood stories we choose to tell. We carefully select our conversations, finding a balance between revealing and withholding information to appear both radiant and enigmatic (especially in online dating introductions). If this stage is successful, this selective sharing gives you the confidence to begin revealing your true self. "You gain the courage to know you can be fully understood," says Janet Reibstein, professor of psychology at the University of Exeter in the UK. "Everyone has to get through this, feel accepted, and then start revealing their less glamorous side."
So we confessed to each other without thinking, taking it as proof of love. But as time goes on, if it remains the sole expression of intimacy, it will gradually lead to the breakdown of the relationship. Because the longing that only inaccessibility, absence, and mystery can evoke no longer exists in this kind of relationship. French psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Pierre Lévy-Soussan explains: “Everyone needs their own secret garden. In this secret garden, your various thoughts arise; you fall into fantasy. From birth, the creation and shattering of fantasies repeat themselves, and through it we learn to perceive reality correctly. It also gives us hope: that we can work magic on reality and change the status quo. Fantasy drives us to change and create the world, and for marital relationships, fantasy is an essential factor in maintaining a passionate and lasting bond.”
Four years later, Tang Wenjun and Wu Wei still love each other deeply, but they are no longer as inseparable as before. "Now, we no longer confide in each other or share everything. I have several girlfriends he doesn't know, and I confide in them about things I would never tell him. He also has his buddies, and they play football together every week to relieve stress. We are no longer one person depending on the other to live, but two people supporting each other."
Think twice before you speak.
However, through daily consultations, psychologists have found that a significant number of couples believe—or rather, fantasize—that their relationship exists in a safe space where they must tell each other everything and present everything to each other.
Psychotherapist and sexologist Alan Ariel explains: "The fear of being alone is widespread, leading people to often have a distorted view of themselves. They believe that as long as they are honest about everything, their loneliness will disappear. They immerse themselves in their imagination, fantasizing about maintaining an intimate relationship with their partner in this way."
