No matter how understanding your partner is, or how happy you are together, some conflicts are inevitable. After all, you come from different backgrounds and environments, and after spending a long time together, disagreements are bound to arise. Sometimes it might be a matter of principle, and sometimes it might just be trivial things like groceries. What should you do if you end up arguing?
The localized conflict escalated and affected the couple's relationship.
Unhappy couples often "diverge their discussions" when they talk about problems, getting caught in a vicious cycle called the kitchen sink.
What is the kitchen sink? It refers to a localized conflict that spills over into everything in your relationship. You were talking about the bathroom sink, and suddenly the conversation veers into how I treat your mother, even going back to before we started dating, like when I was late, and you're suddenly nitpicking. Happy couples don't do this; they stick to the issue at hand. Unhappy couples can't do this; they can't focus their conversation on one topic.
Everyone knows how important it is to stick to the issue at hand to resolve problems. However, our habit is to bring up past grievances whenever we argue. For the sake of your loved ones and your relationship, I suggest you change this bad habit.
A fondness for "self-reflection" is not a good thing.
Self-summarizing is about emphasizing what they want to say. Conversely, happy couples like to summarize what their partner said. Unhappy couples always say: I'll say it again; I'll tell you again; you didn't understand me; you weren't listening; what I wanted to say was…; that's all I wanted to say.
Happy couples, on the other hand, will say: "See, do I understand what you mean?" The difference here is huge; happy couples are more willing to communicate. You can imagine that unhappy couples would say, "Why can't you listen to me? Why don't you understand me?" If you're still constantly reflecting on yourself, none of this will happen.
True communication comes from the opposite of self-reflection. You should say: "You just said something, and I'm not sure if I understand it correctly; did I understand what you meant? No? Let's try again; did I understand this time? Great, I'm so happy." Because I understand you, you'll be happy too. Self-reflection always hinders this process.
Preconceived notions exacerbate the unpleasantness between them.
Presuppositions are when you think you know what others are thinking. For example: "You don't care about me. Even though you sent me flowers, you're just trying to appease me after your previous mistake!" This is like mind reading, cutting off communication. If your conversation is full of presuppositions, you're actually talking to yourself. Presuppositions shut down the other person's avenues of communication because they have no other choice.
Unhappy couples say: I know what you're thinking; I know why you did that. Happy couples say: What are you thinking? Why did you do that? You see the difference, right? The difference lies in being closed versus open. Being open means wanting to know why you did that; open your heart and tell me; tell me what it really means to you.
Happy couples ask open-ended questions, while unhappy couples ask unanswerable questions. They employ a questioning technique called hostile questioning. These questions appear to be questions, but they have no answers. They are simply blaming, offering no way to keep the conversation going. For example: "What were you thinking? How stupid would someone have to be to spend five hundred dollars on that thing?"
People got caught in a cycle of complaints.
For example, someone might say, "Honey, I have a problem. I don't like you spending our time together watching TV." A happy couple would say, "Okay, let's talk about it. What else would you like me to do? Or what would you like to do?" A couple engaging in cross-complaints might say, "I almost forgot! You jerk, you never give me any space!" Cross-complaints are similar to self-reflection; both people are preoccupied with their own problems, trying to find solutions, but their concerns are completely unrelated to the other person's issue.
Negative emotions are contagious
After a ten-minute conversation, negative emotions will emerge. These negative emotions can also influence each other. In other words, one spouse's negative emotions will be transmitted to the other's behavior. For example, if you say you've upset me, I'll respond strongly, and you probably didn't expect me to be so forceful.
Happy couples take a neutral stance when their partner is being negative—think of it as a skill. If your spouse says, "You really annoyed me last night," it's a criticism, and nobody likes being criticized. So how should I respond? The screen in front of you presents a series of choices: negative, neutral, and positive. Which one should you choose? Unhappy couples will directly choose the negative approach: "You're annoyed with me, huh? I'm annoyed with you too!"
Happy couples put a lot of effort into dealing with this situation, such as asking: "Am I annoying you? Let's talk about what makes you dislike me." Of course, this isn't easy, but it will help you break out of a negative cycle. Imagine if every relationship were like the Israeli-Palestinian conflict: you throw something at me, and I hit back, okay, bring it on, great! You keep arguing, negative emotions accumulate, and the situation gets worse and worse.
If you don't want your relationships to become too chaotic, someone needs to suggest breaking out of this vicious cycle. Don't turn neutral behavior into passive behavior, and don't be the first to push over the dominoes, because you know what will happen.
Pay attention to your way of expressing yourself when arguing.
You can express negative emotions with positive ones. This study lists three positive emotions: humor, empathy, and interest (note: this likely refers to interest in maintaining the relationship). If you have more negative emotions, but you also express these three emotions to your partner, and if you manage to overcome all the difficulties, then negative people can still have high-quality marriages. In other words, okay, you're negative, which isn't a good thing; but if you're also emotionally negative, that's terrible.
Even in the midst of conflict, when you're caught in the most negative moment, you can still express: "You know what? I still love you. I'm frustrated right now, but I still love you." This conveys a powerful message: love is more important than conflict. We don't like conflict, we don't like disagreements, but I want to remind you that our foundation is very solid. Conflict may affect me greatly, it may be important, but it's far less important than the bond that connects us. That's the message I'm trying to convey.
Every couple argues in their own way. Some argue in bed and make up in bed, while others habitually engage in silent treatment until they shiver. Some communicate rationally, as if analyzing intelligence, while others seem to be at each other's throats. Although arguing is a form of communication, there are certain taboo words to avoid during arguments. Even when you're furious, be careful not to step on these landmines, or you might get blown out of shape.
For Boy
1. You're just like your mother!
Girls tend to value family and relatives far more than boys, especially their mothers. Therefore, such words are tantamount to insulting two people at once, one of whom is the person she loves most! I guarantee this will be the final straw that breaks her last shred of reason; all I can say is, she'll bear the consequences…
2. You're just being unreasonable!
I'm not exaggerating when I say that about 85.78% of girls think they're very reasonable. So once she realizes that you actually see her as an unreasonable, crazy woman, she'll only continue acting crazy, proving to you that her actions are the only truth...
3. My ex-girlfriend was so much gentler!
Girls can compare clothes, shoes, bags, and designer brands, but they can't compare themselves to their ex-girlfriends. Once you bring up the topic of your "ex-girlfriend" in your relationship, I personally believe you'll be subjected to constant ridicule and sarcasm about her for the rest of your life.
4. Do you think you're pretty?
Yes! She absolutely thinks she's beautiful! At least she thinks she's the most beautiful in your eyes, and at least she thinks she's the one you want most. So once she discovers that all those sweet words and flattery you usually say are just empty promises, then I suggest you be careful about that mysterious folder on your computer that requires ninety-nine clicks to open—maybe it will suddenly disappear one day…
5. If you're so capable, give me back what I gave you!
Maybe you don't really want her to pay you back; perhaps you just want to prove a point or scare her. But for a girl, that's incredibly ungentlemanly. Relationships naturally involve give and take; after all, no one forced you to give her anything at gunpoint. Using that as a weapon in an argument is, in my opinion, quite shameless.
For Girl
1. I really think you're useless!
Boys have always relied on "face," "self-esteem," and "pictures of pretty girls" to photosynthesize—it's like the sunshine, air, and water in their lives. Therefore, this statement, which completely kills these three essential elements for a boy's survival, should absolutely not be said! Because "being called useless by you → losing face," "being considered useless by you → losing self-esteem," "because I'm useless → so all I do is look at pictures of pretty girls"...
2. I must have been blind to have been with you!
Similarly, boys just can't stand not feeling affirmed. Such accusations tantamount to destroying the heroic image you've built for him; where does that leave his pride?
3. Do you think all my orgasms were real?
Whether it's true or not, bringing it up might cause your passion in bed to fade in the future. Even if you reconcile, I think that for a period of time afterward, the guy will be haunted by your words, "Do you think I always had real orgasms? Do you think I always had real orgasms? Do you think I always had real orgasms? Do you think I always had real orgasms?", casting a shadow over him and turning him into a limp man.
4. So-and-so's boyfriend is way better than yours!
I don't know why, but guys always seem to care more about other women's boyfriends than their exes. Maybe it's because they believe that exes = the past = outdated = losers. But comparing someone's boyfriend to another's is like men comparing who drives the best car.
5. Go ahead and hit me if you dare!
I have to say that some girls are just stupid and like to challenge boys' rational limits. In fact, excluding some boys with very bad character, some of the girls who were beaten were really mean-mouthed. I suggest you not try such provocative words easily, because you have no idea that when you make these provocations, you really have "Hit me, idiot!" written all over your face. When you meet this kind of request, even I want to satisfy you...
Arguing is an art. A well-executed argument can strengthen the bond between two people after reconciliation. Because things you wouldn't normally dare to say can be expressed through an argument. However, no matter how you argue, you must remember that the person closest to you is also the easiest to destroy! Because you know all their weaknesses. Therefore, never use this as a weapon to attack them; that will only cause irreparable damage that you both regret after things have calmed down…
