The biggest problem in communication between couples is getting stuck in a vicious cycle.
“I’m asking you, how much time do you spend at home each week? Have you ever played with the kids? Count how many times you’ve taken them to school. You’re out socializing with others all day long, have you ever thought about the people who need you most, and you don’t have time for them? I really don’t know what’s so attractive about the outside world to you?” Mei’s barrage of questions left her husband speechless. He stared at her face, unable to speak, and after a long while, he looked at me and said, “You see, she’s so self-centered and domineering. She’s said everything by herself, and what I say is useless. Sigh!” Her husband sighed heavily, leaned back in his chair, and stopped talking.
They communicate in the same way at home.
The wife had only spoken halfway through when the husband refused to elaborate. Many couples believe that the problem is solved as long as the other person recognizes it and makes changes, but the problem is that neither is willing to compromise based on their own logic and stance. Undoubtedly, this is a common problem among these couples, inevitably leading to a vicious cycle in communication.
To break the vicious cycle, there are three steps:
Break the vicious cycle: End ineffective communication
Specific procedures: No questioning, no parallelism, no bringing up past events, and no labeling.
To break this vicious cycle, both parties need to recognize the ineffectiveness of this communication method and stop using it to communicate.
Accusations make it impossible for people to calmly understand the speaker's true intentions. For example, Mei's communication style with her husband involves speaking without pauses, full of rhetorical questions, which sounds more like an interrogation than expressing her needs to her closest person.
What about Mei's husband? Words like "self-centered" and "domineering" are easily attached to his wife, seemingly defining her character. That's how people are; the more you label them, the more they become labeled. This is equivalent to the husband using labels to confine his wife, making her more "self-centered" and "domineering."
Drawing on fresh resources: Learning to respond proactively
Specific steps: Soothe emotions, express feelings, ask, "What would you like me to do?"
If the vicious cycle of complaining and retreating in communication is broken, the next step in communication is to introduce new modes of expression, turning harsh accusations into gentle ones.
First, you need to let go of your own pressure and try to think from the other person's perspective. Respond to their feelings and replace "I have no way" with "What do you want me to do?" Then, have the other person find the keywords they heard to confirm whether what they heard is what the other person wanted to express, and then respond to them.
You may feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable with this communication style at first, but once you try it, you'll know that it's useful.
Establish a new cycle: Live with problems
Specific steps: tolerate flaws, cultivate interests, and reserve space.
John Gottman, a renowned American psychologist, concluded after 40 years of research on marital relationships that the vast majority of marital problems are unsolvable. For example, differences in lifestyle habits can sometimes become unbearable, differing spending habits can lead to numerous conflicts, and there are also issues with prioritizing tasks in daily life.
So, since so many problems are unsolvable, why not continue living together with these problems in mind? This is also an important ability to maintain a marriage.
We must recognize that marriage is not perfect or without flaws. For example, there is the matter of adjustment. Many lifestyle habits and shared interests are actually cultivated through adjustment. People are not static. Couples should cultivate some shared interests, such as hiking or watching movies. Giving each other fixed time to develop a shared hobby will create tacit understanding and memories for the couple in the future.
For issues that cannot be agreed upon, couples can respect each other's personal space and privacy. For example, if the husband likes sports, he doesn't necessarily have to force his wife to like them too; if the wife likes Korean dramas, she doesn't have to force her husband to watch them with her.
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